Moon To Be Renamed Planet Houston, Say Neocons

The discovery of a whole planet made of hydrocarbons- that is, oil- galvanised America's ruling billionaire community yesterday.

"We absolutely must send a task force." said Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, dreaming of the contracts his company could scam out of future operations, and adjusting his trousers accordingly.

"Planet Houston (formerly Titan) must be protected from the forces of evil.", wittered Secretary of Obscene Profits Condi Rice, who has an oil tanker named after her.

But the most definite statement of intent came from Presidonut George Dubya Bush, in a televised address to the nation yesterday.

"Our scientists have assured us that oil can be found on Saturn's moon, Titan."

"On my orders, the United States Military is preparing to take measures to liberate this moon for freedumanddemacracy, and to protect this valuable resource from fundamentalist terrsts, Al-Qaeda, and the Space Vampires."

"The moon Titan will heretofore be known as the planet Houston, in honour of our brave troops who will soon perish on it's rocky, Skegness-like shores in the pursuit of freedom- my freedom to screw you assholes over, and kill a lot of people while I'm doin' it."

"May God continue to bless rigged elections, special interests, crooked punks in general, and of course, the United States of Murka."

"Good evening."

The President was later put to bed by his mum.

(AP /Reuters)

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American Troop Stubs Toe in Fallujah

It was an ordinary day, with the sacking and destruction of a city like any other during Operation Iraq Liberation.

But then, the unthinkable happened when First Leutenant Joe Hamburger stubbed his toe on the steps of an orphanage he was about to burn down.

And what's worse, it could have been much, much worse.

"I slipped on the blood of a small, photogenic boy I'd just shot, staggered, and then stubbed my toe on the steps of the building." said brave Joe. "For a moment there, it really hurt."

"We're all aware of how much worse it could have been, of course. Had I not found my footing again, I might have fallen over, and incurred a nasty bit of gravel-rash."

General Billy Psycho III had this to say:

"It has come to my attention that several of our troops have incurred painful injuries while setting Iraq's cities to the torch."

He then did one of those meaningful pause things.

"...Fortunately only about fifteen or so of them have been killed."

Then he did it again.

"......This definitely comes under the banner of enemy action. In fact it is a war crime to kill American troops you are fighting in time of war."

We told the General we were still there and he started up again.

"It has also come to our attention that some of our, er, advisory contractors, whom we employ in an intelligence capacity, may have caught veneral diseases from the men and women they had been raping on a regular basis."

Our reporter then had to shine a light in General Psycho's eyes to get him working again.

"This obviously adds up to an act of biological warfare."

Now we had to hit him over the head with a blunt object. But he just whirred and clanked a bit.

Troops of the Black Watch were later seen grinning and handing out sweets wrapped in $100 bills to some completely different children in the next country.

Still later, that terrorist bloke made a video in which he chopped off the head of some guy from up North. But that's all OK, because he was only a working class person. His life was not worth much more than that of the Iraqis themselves. Annoying little brown people that they are...

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OFF CAMERA: Live mike, Mr. Newreader, sir.

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(Theme music)

This is your newsbreak, 24 hours, 24 facts!

Taped from Ex-Pat T.V, 10th November 2004.

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PRESIDENT SHITS ON COUNTRY

9 August, AP: Today the President's official re-election campaign got into high gear with a whistle-stop tour of the continental United States, with the incumbent stopping every few miles to evacuate his bowels out of his campaign helicopter onto startled Americans below.

In a bid to satisfy key marginal voters and enrage Democratic opponents, President Bush plans to shit at least once on each of the forty-eight contiguous states.

"From Dead Coon Gulch, Arkansaw, to Harlem, NY, from Queerbash, Virginia to San Francisco, California, from sea to shining sea, I see this great diverse country of ours united as one, groaning under a gargantuan heap of steaming Presidential shit." said he. "Except for those who, like me, are rich enough to own their own helicopters, America will be comprehensively and completely shat on after I gerrymander, I mean rig, I mean win, the next election." continued the middle-aged psychopath as he strained to pump out another dog's egg.

"My apologies to Alaska and Hawaii- my piles don't like travelling that far" he rattled on, trademark comic-book villain sneer plastered all over his monkey face. "But I'll be sure to mail them some."

A new soveneir industry has sprang up overnight in the wake of George Bush's crap-a-thon. In almost every town in Nebraska, stalls are selling lumps of a dark, pungent substance claimed to be the President's macca.

"A piece of the President's shit touched me!" said 43-year old Jack T. Burgerfelcher III of Des Moines, Iowa, at his stall selling unlikely brown lumps. "And now you can have the same pleasure too!"

Ninetey-three people were seriously injured in the following stampede as vacuum-skulled dittoheads crushed each other to death in a bid to get hold of the turd in question.

DECIDING FACTOR

The president's poo may prove to be a deciding factor in the election.

"I bet John Kerry couldn't shit on us from as great a height as that!" squealed butt-faced GOP groupie and human crash-test dummy Agatha Petersucker.

"Like all liberal intellectuals, he thinks he can fool the American people into voting for someone who doesn't treat them like a toilet. But I think after all these years of being conned out of our life savings, blown up, shot, mangled and scorched in fruitless wars, we know what's best for us after all!" she wittered, brain-cells crackling with incipient Altzheimer's disease.

PROMISES

But some are more sceptical about George W. Bush's poo promises.

"I remember when Ronald Reagan promised to shit on us from outer space", said certified moron Bill Littleweiner II, "but all that happened was we won the Cold War. Americans don't like big government projects like that- The American Way is the individual way", he droned, befouling our reporter with spittle. "So I'm gonna dig a real deep hole, build a shithouse on top of it, and when the hole fills up, I'm gonna drown myself in my own doo-doo. Let's see those beurocrats in Washington top that."

The election is in November. All Americans who are not Black, Jewish, Catholic, funny looking, or otherwise inclined to vote Democrat are eligible to vote.

STOP PRESS

In a surprise move, the Republican Party has re-named itsself the "Kill Everything" Party since it was discovered that the city of Washington was in fact being powered by energy generated by Abraham Lincoln spinning in his fucking grave. More on this exciting story later.

  Previous articles:

Bush bruised after bycicle binge

President Bush suffered cuts and scratches after falling off his mountain bike while drunk this weekend.

Leaving his Texas ranch, Bush wore his characteristic glazed expression as well as cuts and bruises from his drunken pratfall. In addition to his military aide and secret service personnel, Mr. Bush was accompanied by a doctor who treated him for alcohol poisoning on the spot.

SMELLS LIKE A DISTILLERY

Mr. Bush was scheduled to explain why he completely screwed up the job of invading Iraq again on Monday, and may have hit the bottle in an attempt to get away from his troubles, says the President's analyst.

"Suffice it to say the guy smells like a distillery" - Spokesman Brent C. Rude.

Mr. Bush suffered minor abrasions and scratches during the fall, as well as suffering "mild" alcohol poisoning, Brent told reporters.

He was wearing one of those beer hats, like what Homer Simpson has, only filled with bourbon, he said.

"You know this asshole. He likes to take risks, get pissed, chase tail, and kick ass. Suffice it to say the guy smells like a distillery after going on a bender."

Bush was also injured in a 2002 alcohol-related incident, which at the time was passed off as the result of choking on a pretzel. What actually happened was that he had assaulted one of his own Secret Service agents and had to be restrained, it has emerged.

"Come on, no-one gets a shiner like that from 'falling over'. The man's a drunk."

Mr. Rude added that the president had refused the offer of a lift, and had instead wobbled home under his own power.

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The ultimate supply side reform

Culled from the business report, 1st April 2004.

Rogue economists set off a nuclear bomb today in what they described as the first of a series of reforms aimed at re-invigourating the economy.

The device was exploded in Exeter town centre in what economists describe as a test.

"We expect that after a period of "flatlining" the economy of Exeter will begin to grow again at a much higher rate than before."

The destruction of this minor British city was seen as a milestone in economic practice. "We've done so much good work in bringing forward reform but we've never used nuclear weapons to stimulate the economy until now." says Jude Wanniski of the mildly insane Institute of Neo-Economic Liberalism And Foaming At The Mouth (Formerly Lincoln Insane Asylum).

"According to our graphs all economic instability in the Exeter area should end at the time of detonation, followed by a mild slump owing to absenteeism and death among workers."

"But in the period of rebuilding, we predict that economic activity should increase by around 5,000%."

"Boom town"

The Institute's research has followed the example of Japan after World War 2, where Hiroshima and Nagasaki had to be completely rebuilt after being flattened by atomic weapons. According to historical figures, in the years following WWII Hiroshima and Nagasaki became boom towns, attracting inward investment from all over the world.

"Growth is good, and mass destruction always results in growth in the end", says Wanniski, lighting up another crack pipe. "The figures will bear me out. The economies of Europe and Japan grew exponentially after WWII. When our crowning success in Exeter becomes apparent, we plan to export what we call the nuclear model of development all over the world", continued the neo-liberal economist as her head revolved through 360 degrees.

Supply-Side economics

Supply-Side economic theory is no stranger to controversy. After being let out on parole, Milton Freidman once kicked a homeless man to death, claiming he was "helping deploy stratified biological reassignment" in a "regulationary hostile environment."

He was later pardoned by Ronald Reagan, and the practice is now common among stockbrokers on the streets of New York.

Success

That experiment was however a success; the homelessness rate subsequently dropped 98%. It remains to be seen, however, how effective nuking urban areas will be as the key to regeneration in the twenty-first century.

"It's completely insane", said pet liberal and idiot-savant Will Hutton, when told of the plan. "This primitive economic model exludes stakeholders, who should have been given the chance to evacuate before being nuked into next week."

"The people of Exeter should really have been given some kind of notice of what was going to happen, at least." he added after being punched in the nose by our economics correspondent.

The Institute is having none of it. "Evacuating a civilian population from an area which is about to undergo radical stuctural reform by thermonuclear device would simply de-encourageize it from taking protective measures, and informing them of the need for such measures in the first place would simply consist of the worst kind of government coddling, exactly the sort of practice that we are trying to stamp out", said Wanniski.

"Those who survive the nuclear explosion and fallout would be those naturally predisposed to rebuild; the fittest and smartest. And since survival of the fittest is what this wonderful civilisation is all about, I can only conclude that Mr. Hutton is some kind of terrorist communist son-of-a-bitch, dedicated to the destruction of civilised values."

"I agree with everything Ms. Wanniski says.", said Will Hutton after we beat him over the head with baseball bats and pistol-whipped him a few times.

-Brian Tennis